I had gotten out of a very serious relationship with my ex-fiance Winston when I met Jerrell. I had been single for over a year, and to be honest, I was quite enjoying the single life. I had gotten reports from family members that Winston was cheating on me while we were engaged to be married, and when I confronted him, he admitted it. Maybe I could have forgiven and moved on and continued our life together, but cheating on a partner has always been a big NO for me, and I've heard the term, once a cheater, always a cheater. So if he could cheat on me before our wedding, what would he do after getting married? Would the pattern continue? I didn't want to find out, so I canceled our wedding. 

It took guts to cancel a wedding that had been years in the making. It was also heart-wrenching getting out of a relationship that had produced 2 beautiful kids. My son wasn't even a year old yet, but luckily for me, Winston was a good provider, and because he knew that he was at fault, he continued to provide for his kids and me. So whatever I needed, I got, maybe he had hope that we would get back together, but once I'm done with a relationship, I'm done. 

My son was 2, and my daughter 6 when I met Jerrell. I would walk my daughter to school daily, and he would be on the corner with his friends. I remember him saying hi, and I responded, not thinking much of it. I was quite happy being single. I had also just recently relocated from the Bronx to Brooklyn and wasn't looking for a relationship. But our casual greeting conversations then became full-on conversations as he would wait for me to show up with my daughter on our way to her school, and we would walk and talk together. 

Being the woman I am, I'm not one to talk to another womans' boyfriend or husband, so I did verify and ask at the beginning if he was single, which he assured me he was. After chatting for a while, he invited me to a basketball game of his (as he played ball at that time), and I invited another friend of mine (Tasha) to join me and got a babysitter for the kids. It wasn't exactly a date, so having someone along wasn't a bad idea. However, I still was unsure about him and hadn't yet invited him to my home as I had my kids to think about. Although my daughter had met him from our walks to her school, my son hadn't yet. 

It was a few more weeks before I got up the courage to invite him to my home. We would chat on our walks and daily on the phone, and I thought it was time. It had already been a few months, so why not? As someone who enjoyed playing video games, we had that in common, and we would sit in the living room and play video games with the kids, and that's how it began. The kids fell in love with him because he's amazing with kids, and I started to fall in love with him just as well. Then we finally slept together, after much convincing from my girlfriend. After my experience with my ex, I was hesitant to get into another physical relationship with another man. The fear of being hurt again was too strong, but I caved.

We were physical with each other for about a month before I got a phone call from a girl named Mika informing me that she was dating him and had been dating him for over a year. Another friend of mine, Akira, was visiting me at my apartment when I got the call, and we decided to go to his home, which was only a 5-minute walk away, and confront him about her. I didn't want to make a phone call; I wanted him to look me in the eyes and tell me the truth (or lie). He did admit that he knew Mika, but according to him, they had broken up way before I showed up, and she was just a bitter, jealous girl trying to cause trouble for us, because he no longer wanted to be with her. 

I didn't quite believe him because there were a few things that Mika told me that seemed sincere, so I did decide to walk away from what we had, and that's when he grabbed me (the first sign of violence) and insist that I wasn't going to leave. That should have been my warning to get out and get out fast. Thanks to my girlfriend, I was able to leave and decided that I was done with the relationship. The phone calls were relentless, and then came the flowers, the cards, the letters, and eventually, I caved and forgave. I thought that yes, maybe he wasn't lying, that maybe, just maybe Mika was crazy. After all, I had also gone to his home and had seen no signs of a female presence in his room. 

About a year into our relationship, I got pregnant and had a miscarriage, and once again I thought that maybe that was a sign for me to get out. There had been other signs of cheating as I once found him in an AOL chat room making plans to meet up with a girl who lived in Queens. After my miscarriage, I decided then and there that I wanted the relationship over. I had nothing to lose, and maybe that quote about cheaters was right. Remember that first act of violence against me? Well, that wouldn't be the last. When I confronted him about his cheating and told him I was leaving, he grabbed me, tossed me on the bed, and held a knife to my throat, and said that he would kill me if I left. I was scared; he was bigger than me, and who would be there for my kids if I died. Sure, Winston would be, but he wasn't there right now. After learning about my relationship with Jerrell, he had decided that he would be a jerk and stop providing for his kids because he didn't want me "spending his money on my new man." 

So I stayed out of fear that he would kill me if I left. Not long after that, I got pregnant once again with our now 16-year-old son. He was over the moon, me not so much. I didn't want to have another child, especially another one where I wasn't married. My parents would be disappointed. My mother already resented the fact that I was in a relationship that she didn't approve of. I hated the term "baby mama" and didn't want to be one, but I was one. At one of our doctor's visits, we were informed that our son may have down syndrome and was given the option of an abortion. He didn't want to consider it and said that we would love him no matter what. I've never believed in abortions and was happy to hear that he felt the same. Our son was born as normal as could be; although he's on the autism spectrum, it turned out he didn't have down syndrome. 

But instead of the happy ending that kids usually bring, ours didn't quite turn out that way. Yes, he loved his son, but we were young parents, and neither of us had a job, and I already had an ex who was being spiteful withholding funding for his kids, so it all fell back on my parents to help us take care of our little family. Jerrell was pursuing a rap career, and while I helped him get his mixtapes together, etc., that wasn't really bringing in the money. He also had his drug hustle on the side, and I also helped with that. Yes, I know it was illegal, and we could have gotten arrested at any time, but we did what we had to do to provide food for our kids. 

My parents would send money to help with rent and food, but it started to get to be a bit too much. Why should I always have to call and ask for help with bills? It was also a question that my mom posed to me. What was my son's father doing since we were together? Shouldn't he be helping out as well? So she told me to make a decision. If we're struggling as much as we were, then I could either stay and continue with the struggle, or I could come home where I didn't have to worry about anything. My mom was still in touch with Winston, who had indicated that he would take me back, and she was all for that relationship. After all, he was a successful businessman, had his own home and money, and she didn't think that Jerrell was the right person for me and that I could do much better. 

She based all that on the fact that he never graduated high school, while I had a college degree, and that what he did for a living was jeopardizing our lives and wasn't something that she wanted for her daughter or grandkids. We were already together for over 2 years, and I did somewhat agree with her. Not that I was better than him because he didn't have a high school diploma, because you don't need a high school diploma to be successful. He was a great rapper who hadn't been discovered yet, he was also really good at basketball, and maybe he might get discovered for at least one thing. He had potential and I didn't really want to give up on what we had. So I sat down with him and told him my options. I could either go back home and stay with my parents, but I was taking my kids so they could have a better life. After all, he was only a baby daddy, and baby daddies are a dime a dozen, while husbands are rare. You can leave baby daddies in a heartbeat, but a husband was a true commitment. If we're married, we can build a life together, and I would then stay.

So we decided to get married when our son was six months old, just a few days before my birthday. My mother was there as our witness, and she wasn't too happy. On our wedding day, she asked me if this was what I really wanted and tried talking me out of it, but I had my mind made up. After all, we had been through so much, and I loved him, and we were going to have a marriage just like my parents. We were going to build a life together, and he was going to fulfill his dreams with me in his corner. Or that was what I thought. That was in itself another mistake because while I've thought that our decision to get married was mutual, he's been telling everyone that he felt forced to get married. 

Granted, I didn't force him to say "I do" or sign on the dotted line; I also didn't force him to go with me to get the marriage license. There's a waiting period between getting the marriage license and getting married, however, he went very willingly and didn't mention any of his doubts to me. Before our marriage, there were no warning signs or signals, no words uttered that he didn't want to get married, and I thought it's always been something he wanted just as much as I did. 

However, we lived a fairytale wedding life for the first couple of months of our marriage life until I found out that he was yet seeing another girl named Sarah who lived right across from his mom's house. So when he would leave to visit his mother, he would be visiting Sarah. Sarah knew that he was married but didn't really care. He was making plans to visit Sarahs' family in Ohio and have a life with Sarah. I once again told him it was either me and his family or Sarah, and he willingly (or maybe unwillingly) chose his family.  During that time, I had another miscarriage, my second.

Jerrell had grown up without a father and was raised in a female household. His father had cheated on his own mother and left before he was born, and he didn't want to repeat that vicious cycle with his own son. He wanted to be "better" than his father. He had seen what his mom went through and what he himself went through and wanted different and better for his own child. Unfortunately, while he was there for his own child, the cheating continued. 

I decided to join the military because while we were married, we still had a hard life. Things weren't much better, but my parents still helped out. I had a job that didn't pay great, but it took care of the bills and put food on the table. However, I wanted more, and the benefits of the military were a start for us. 

Jerrell would visit me while in training, but one day I received a call from him saying that he was leaving with his son because he had met a woman named Shadei and he was in love with her. Turns out that this relationship had been going on for quite a while and that she was pregnant; coincidentally, I was also pregnant and didn't know it yet. I reached out to her, and it turns out she did know that he was married but had no idea that he was visiting me and that I was also pregnant. She thought that his quick trips were to visit family in another state and not to his wife since he had told her that we weren't together any longer. 

She decided to abort her child and leave him. She didn't want to be with a liar, and he had been lying about his marriage, but not before telling me everything that happened while I was gone. You see Jerrell had access to my military paycheck and our bank account was a joint one. It was to take care of the household while I was gone. However, according to Shadei, he would spend my money on her taking her and her mother out to lunch, dinner, etc., and even buying her jewelry, and she had photos to prove it. It was gut-wrenching to hear that the person you were trying to make a better life for was there making that better life with someone else. He wasn't paying the bills, and it ended up hurting my credit as there were unpaid bills sent to collections. I was hurt, I was upset, but I made a decision. 

I told him that I was going to leave him in NY with his son, and I would take my unborn child and my two oldest, and we would live in Colorado, and that's exactly what I did. I found a home in Colorado to rent and had my two kids with Winston come down, and we were going to make a life together, just the four of us. I was already getting attached to my unborn child and was willing to move on without him. He had made some disparaging remarks about our unborn child, including stating that he didn't want her and wished she would die after I ended up one day in the hospital bleeding heavily. However, imagine my surprise when he decided to show up with our son and stayed a few months later. 

I decided to forgive him for his indiscretions (once again) and tried to make it work for our children. Unfortunately, I was placed on bed rest for the last few months of my pregnancy due to being significantly high risk and almost having a very early birth. However, our daughter was still delivered early via c-section, and he was there in the delivery room and fell in love with her. After seeing him with his daughter, I knew that this was the Jerrell that I had fallen in love with. Maybe having a daughter would bring out the softer side of him. 

However, it wasn't meant to last. We were arguing over the simplest things, and harsh words were exchanged. I still hadn't truly forgiven him for cheating on me with Shadei and getting her pregnant and was still hurt, but even before our daughter turned a year old, I found out once again that he was cheating, this time with a co-worker named McCall. His excuse this time was that I was barely paying him any attention and was solely giving all my attention to our newborn daughter. (His excuse for Shadei? He was lonely.) In addition, I was suffering from post-partum depression and eventually full-blown depression after my dad was diagnosed with terminal cancer just 4 months after our daughter was born. 

I was waking up early, breastfeeding, having to be at work as early as 5:30am some days, and not sometimes returning until way past 6pm, so I barely spent time with him or my kids. But I was also the sole provider at the time until he got a job a few months after our daughter was born. He would work at night while I worked during the day. However, there were nights that he wouldn't be at work and instead would be at his friends' DC's house with McCall.

When I found out about this relationship, he denied it, but I was able to get in touch with her one day, and she admitted the entire thing. They had been together for quite some time, and she had even been to my home. She claimed that he told her he was getting a divorce, but if he wasn't, that she was willing to pay for it because she loved him and he was hers, and they were going to move in and live together. 

Have you noticed the pattern? He never leaves a relationship before moving on to another? Instead, he consistently cheats and immediately makes plans to live with another. Is it co-dependency? Can he not be alone? 

Anyway, I wished her all the best and decided to move on. Sure I loved my husband, but we had a tumultuous relationship. So I kicked him out of the house and told him to go and live with her. After all, why should I stay with someone who's blatantly "in love" with someone else? He had agreed to marriage counseling, but he wasn't completely honest while we visited the therapist, and I decided that it wasn't worth it. 

The relationship with McCall didn't work out, and he eventually came back. Or should I say I took him back? Why did I take him back? Why didn't I divorce him and move on with my life? Well, I didn't want to look like a failure to my parents, especially to my mom, who had warned me against marrying him, and I did love my husband. Despite our ups and downs, I thought that he did have potential, and with time he would sort through his issues and become the man he was meant to be. 

But did anything change? NOPE! Since McCall, there's been many more including Britney, Chelsea, Amber, Kayla, Whitney, and most recently Erika Cepero., but I'll get to that.

In 2019, I got bitten by the traveling bug and decided to dedicate 2019 as my year of travel. We spent our Valentine's Day in New Orleans and had a blast, but after that, I was barely at home, so I admit I wasn't the perfect wife. However, when I was home, things seemed normal. We would go out, have fun, we did trips, and we "seemed" happy to the outside world, but he was simply waiting for me to leave so he could be with other women. 

2020 came along, and so did COVID-19 and quarantine. His mom contracted COVID, and I was there with him throughout the entire ordeal. I knew what it was like to lose parents as my own mother had recently passed away, and we hoped with all hope that his mom would be alright. It was heartbreaking to get the phone call saying that she had passed away. We were extremely close, and with him being an only child who only grew up with a mom, I could only imagine what he was going through as well. I wanted to be there for him, but I also wanted to give him his space. I told him when he was ready to talk, I would always be there. I hugged him, and we cried together. Due to COVID restrictions, he was unable to have the funeral he wanted, but he did go back to NY to make preparations. 

I was once again depressed and quite possibly more so than he was. I was once again a horrible wife. I stopped cleaning, I stopped cooking, and I didn't want to do anything. I was missing the thing I enjoyed doing most, travel, and now the woman I was close to had passed away. It was like losing a mother all over again, but I had her son, or so I thought. 

A few months after she passed away, I noticed a change in him. He would stay downstairs and would only come to bed after I had fallen asleep. We were still sleeping together but it was very infrequent. He would be on his phone consistently and would hide his phone while he was in the house. He would also leave to go out to see his "friends," but come home extremely late at night, or go to "buy gas," but take a long time to get back. It was quarantine, so why did he need to purchase gas so often? Where was he going that he needed to buy gas so frequently? 

I finally found out where he was going. He had met another woman at his job. Erika was an Uber/Lyft driver and also a swinger. Turned out they had been sleeping together for quite some time and were once again making plans to move in together. It was just too much for me to bear. I was depressed, and here was my husband that I'd forgiven over and over again, once again cheating and making plans to leave his family to live with a new woman because, according to him, she listened to him and they had "passion", and he was unhappy with our relationship.

This was all news to me because he had never sat me down to tell me that he was unhappy. We were making plans to renew our wedding vows for our 20th anniversary, we were also making plans to sell our home and move to another state and were looking at houses. Why make plans if you're unhappy and don't want to be with us?  

I couldn't take it any longer and tried committing suicide. He stuck around until I got out of the hospital, but left that same day to go to New York to visit his family. He never kept in touch with us, his family, because Erika was now the family he wanted, so he kept in touch with her. When he got back, instead of coming home to us, he spent the night with her. 

I too also needed to get away, I needed some time to think. I had some decisions to make, so I went to visit a friend, then my eldest daughter, and then take care of some business for my brother at his condo. It was a well-needed break. I, however, decided that I would come home just in time for our son's birthday, which was just 2 days before Jerrell's. 

What I didn't know was that Jerrell had already made plans to move in together with Erika on his birthday. So on his birthday, November 14th, they made their relationship official and have been living together since then. 

I admit that I haven't always been the best wife, but I have tried doing my best. During our arguments, I have called him names, talked down to him, messed up his credit, all in the name of revenge because I was hurt. We didn't start off on the right foot, but we also didn't end it on a good foot either. I did the best I could with what I had, but Jerrell has never made it easy for us to be a family. So while everyone said to let him go because he's not worth it, and I know my mother would have said the same thing, once again, I decided to give him a chance when he suggested marriage counseling. 

This marriage counseling session was no different than the one we went to when he cheated with McCall. The lies were still there, and he wasn't sincere in therapy.

I didn't know that he was living with Erika because he told me that he was living with "friends" and that she no longer wanted anything to do with him because she didn't want to deal with the drama of a married man. I should have known that it was all a lie, but I liked giving him the benefit of the doubt, after all, why would he suggest and attend marriage counseling if he was living with her right? But deep down, my gut was telling me it was all a lie. Always trust your gut. I hired a private detective who got me proof that they were living together.

So was I stupid? Should I just have left in the beginning with our son? Would our lives had been different? Would I have found someone who was faithful to me and just me? Would that person be a great father and provider or a great husband? Does a good husband make a good wife? It's all questions I ask myself now. 

Do I regret anything? Not really, but I have learned a lifelong lesson. That life goes on and to never settle. I will never again settle. Will I ever take him back? That's a question I really can't answer because deep down, I do love my husband. Am I stupid? Probably, but I do believe that there is good in everyone, and with help (and lots of therapy), it will shine through. In the meantime, I'll start all over like I did after my failed relationship with Winston, and maybe I may meet someone the way I did with Jerrell, or there's always online dating. 😊

There's a lot that I left out, many cases of domestic violence, etc., but you get the gist. I just wanted to share my story because it's cathartic to get it all in the open. This is my therapy. I'm done shedding tears, and I'm at peace with my decisions that I'm currently making.